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Mary Rosenblum
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Hello all!
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Mary Rosenblum
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The most common flaw I see in
action scenes is simply wordiness.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The more you want to increase
dramatic impact, the fewer words you need to use.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If the scene is plodding along
anyway...the army is on the march...this is a perfectly good time for your
soldier POV to
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Mary Rosenblum
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be chatting with a buddy about
the forthcoming battle or gloomily remembering backstory.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You can keep reminding the
readers of the action but nothing much is really going on so you just need
those reminders: plod, plod, plod, past a house, past a burned out barn,
plod, plod, rotting body, plod plod.
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Mary Rosenblum
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In that sort of scene, action
is the backbone that moves the plot forward but the dialogue or internal
narrative is more important.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So the action takes back seat
to those other things.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But in a scene where the
action is meant to fully engage the readers...a fight, a chase scene, an
intense moment of reaction...
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Mary Rosenblum
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you do not want that
wordiness. The action takes stage front and anything else needs to get out
of the picture.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is NOT the time to try
introducing more backstory to the readers!
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Mary Rosenblum
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I really love the scenes I get
where Prince Majoram strides into the clearing where the evil Onyx Knight
awaits. The Knight swings, Prince parries and then the Prince thinks about
how
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Mary Rosenblum
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he first met the Knight when
they were both squires to old Sir Bamboozle. And this goes on and I"m
rolling my eyes thinking 'Sonny, you have already had your legs chopped out
from under you while you're nattering...'
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Mary Rosenblum
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And that, of course, is the
effect.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When you throw in dialogue or
internal narrative, the action tends to grind to a halt until you're done.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is not particularly
realistic in a fight scene. Who is thinking about the past? If you plan on
eating breakfast tomorrow, you're worried about where your opponent's sword
is right now.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And keeping it THERE instead
of HERE in your gizzard.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So those interrupted action
scenes really lend the story a strong sense of unreality. Not real good.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Set your backstory up BEFORE
the action scene. By the time the POV character falls off the cliff, gets
into the fight, or leaps frantically for the departing bi-plane, you want
the readers to know everything they need
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Mary Rosenblum
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to know so that they can
simply follow the action with their collective breaths held.
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Mary Rosenblum
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On the flip side of this, when
the action is merely the motor driving the scene along as your characters
talk backstory, don't forget that action!
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Mary Rosenblum
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I see so many talking heads
scenes!
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Mary Rosenblum
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The characters talk and talk
and talk and talk and we see....nada.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nothing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The effect is a thick gray fog
with voices filtering out of the fog.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Use 'action tags'...tag lines
that identify the speaker through that character's actions rather than 'he
said'...to keep a sense of action in the scene.
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crystalwizard
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they're frozen in place,
spitting out dialog, not even twitching an eyelid.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yeah, but after a brief time
they vanish completely! Then there's nothing left to see at all! :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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The scene fades away if you,
the author, don't renew it by reminding readers that it's there.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And it's easy NOT to do. You,
the author, see the scene clearly in your mind's eye. You don't need those
reminders. So you don't put them in there.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Part of getting better at
writing is learning to develop a split personality so that you can read
like someone who has never met these characters before, has no idea what
this world looks like.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It takes practice. And even
when you're good at it (which I pretty much am at this point) you still
need real 'clear eyes'. I always miss things. My readers catch 'em.
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coffeeman
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could you give an example of an
action tag line? Thanks.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sure, coffeeman. Apologies. I
meant to and got distracted.
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Mary Rosenblum
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"You reall think you're
hot don't you?" She leaned her elbows on the bar, one eyebrow rising.
"You're gonna get cut down to size one of these days."
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's a pretty long 'action
tag' and it includes her expression as well as her body language. They can
be short, too.
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Mary Rosenblum
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"So you say." He
knocked back his shot.
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Mary Rosenblum
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"I don't know." He
shrugged.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You mix up body language so
that we can guage the speakers' emotions with visual glimpses of the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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"I don't know." He
tossed his hat onto the battered table. "You tell me."
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rae
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"Forms? My wife and son are
missing, and you want me to fill out forms?" He stood staring blankly
at the clip board. Is this a good example?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yes. WE have the visual
glimpse of the clipboard so readers will fill in the police precinct or
whereever you have put him.
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Mary Rosenblum
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A single visual glimpse
reminds readers of the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And we have his body
language...that blank stare at the clipboard.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Clearly he is stunned by this
bureaucratic request in his moment of crisis.
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charie'
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Don't the action details in a
dialogue scene need to push the story, too? Not just "walks, looks,
talks"
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yes. The action details need
to provide emotional tone (body language) as well a sense of place and
rising tension if you are raising the tension.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Your choice of words as the
heroes tiptoe through the haunted house can rachet up the tension as you
create a sense of increasing threat.
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crystalwizard
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"I am not," Marcus
glared at his dog, "going to take you for a walk."
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Mary Rosenblum
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Body language. We hear
Marcus's tone.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now all these examples are
great for the 'plod plod' scene where you have time to build emotional
nuance and slip in backstory, create atmosphere.
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Mary Rosenblum
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They are NOT good techniques
when your character is leaping for that taxiing bi-plane with death at her
heels.
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sailor
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But we're often told to start
our story right in the middle of things, so backstory has to come
afterward. I agree, though, not in the middle of a fight!
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Mary Rosenblum
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Oh, starting your story with a
fight/flight scene is THE hardest way to do it in my estimation. It's a
GREAT way to start, but very hard just for that reason.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You cannot stop the action to
slip in backstory, but if the readers are confused, the impact is lost.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So you have to carefully set
up the scene so that readers learn what they need to know through the
actions of the fight.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's HARD but readers don't
need to know much in a first scene. Mostly they want to know 'whose side
are we on here?'.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Normally that is your POV
character, so you want to be dead certain that your limited third POV is
strong enough to make your POV character very clear.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's not always easy to do
in a strong action scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It is much more difficult to
write a strong action scene well in first person, by the way.
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charie'
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"Yes, you are" Fifi
curled back a lip. "Remember your favorite golf shoes?"
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Mary Rosenblum
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Another nice use of body
language to reveal tone of voice here, ie emotional nuance.
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rae
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It is not easy in 3rd person
either. Larry walked over to Dean and touched him with his foot. Dean
reached up and grabbed Larry's foot, pulling him to the ground. Larry and
Dean struggled with the gun and then it sounded.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It is hard and this is what I
see a lot, Rae. It's distanced.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That is, where are we to see
this? Standing back at the edge of the room. You create a compelling action
scene, one that leaves readers breathless and shaky right along
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Mary Rosenblum
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with your POV character when
you hurl them right into the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You do that by bringing your
narrative distance down to zero.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Otherwise, we're safe,
watching the action on the TV screen ho hum.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Write it from Larry's head.
Climb in. What's Larry thinking, feeling, aware of here?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Larry nudge Dean with his
foot. Dead? Dean erupted and Larry fell backward, rolling, clawing for the
gun. Felt cool metal, grabbed at it, belly clenching as the barrel twisted
in his fingers. No, God, no. He twisted it back, nails skidding across
flesh. Heat seared his face, ears rang with the blast.
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Mary Rosenblum
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He fell forward, still
clutching the gun, realized numbly he was lying on Dean's chest. Wetness
soaked his shirt. Warm, wetness.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is me thinking 'what is
Larry aware of right now?"
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Mary Rosenblum
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And right now readers don't
know...and neither does Larry yet...whose blood he's feeling.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, we do know, since he's
lying on top of Dean.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But if you can reduce an
intense action scene to what your POV is seeing hearing thinking it can
become very powerful.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Think about falling off a
swing as a kid, crashing your bike, any moment of trauma you can dredge up.
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Mary Rosenblum
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What do you remember seeing?
Thinking? Hearing?
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Mary Rosenblum
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In intense life and death
situations, the focus narrows to a kind of tunnel vision.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We see what we need to see to
survive.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The soldier running for the
enemy line may not even feel the bullet that hits him. The man dragging his
friend out of a burning building won't see the whole scene...just the man,
the flaming obstacles that block his path, the only route to the safety of the
door.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So when you describe other
things...you push us safely out of the scene. And thus reduce the power.
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speckledorf
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I edited a piece yesterday where
in the middle of fleeing a battle the pirate stopped to admire her perfect
breasts, think about how they had ruined many men's lives, flirt with a
soldier then get upset with him when he pushed her away. After calling him
names, she got back to the business of escaping.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Exactly! I always giggle.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The pirate now has six inches
of steel in his back from the pursuing pirate!
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crystalwizard
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opening sentence from Reluctant
Assassin: A loud thunk startled Ahren from his sleep.
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Mary Rosenblum
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THat's a good way to introduce
an action start. As Ahren wakes up he's gonig to see the surroundings and
maybe take a second to recollect where he is.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's enough backstory to go
on if he then launches into a fight or a fast escape. You can pick up the
backstory when he takes a breather.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The hardest start is when you
drop the readers into the midst of a battle.
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Mary Rosenblum
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There your POV character has
no realistic time to spare to think about anything except how to stay alive
a few more minutes.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So about all you can do is let
the readers assume that the POV is the good guy, the people trying to kill
him or her are the bad guys and it'll get sorted out shortly!
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Mary Rosenblum
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Use action to change the pace
of your story.
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Mary Rosenblum
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As the scene starts, your POV
may have time to notice more details around him or her, to think about what
is going on.
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Mary Rosenblum
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As the intensity of the scene
increases, he/she is more concerned with surviving, and the visual details
the internal narrative drops away until you come to the climax of the scene
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Mary Rosenblum
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and then, as everybody catches
their breath, you can include more visuals more internal narrative.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And more dialogue.
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crystalwizard
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The first rock missed my nose.
The second one slammed into my foot and the third pushed me off the edge of
the cliff. What a way to start the day!
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's good first person
narrative...what I call 'after the fact' narrative.
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Mary Rosenblum
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We know the narrator survived.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And here, where the tone is
clearly on the light side, it works.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's hard to do first person
POV where the readers aren't sure if the main character will live to the
end of the story or not. You can do it. It's harder.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Generally, if your story
involves a lot of action and dialogue and not a lot of internal musing,
you're better off to use third person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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First person is great when you
have to explain a LOT to the readers or your character is very internal and
will be spending a lot of time in his or her own head.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Then you might as well let the
POV do the talking directly to the readers rather than trying to use a ton
of internal narrative and keep the pacing strong.
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crystalwizard
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The wolf pauses, curious that
the man figure seated in front of the small fire has made no move to flee.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yes. If you're going to make
the readers doubt whether your POV will survive or not, you really do need
to use present tense.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I tend to use present tense
most of the time when I do first person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You can get away with that
where present tense in third person really bugs readers. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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Then don't really notice it in
first person for some reason.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The main thing with action
scenes is to use common sense.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Would your POV notice this
right now?
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Mary Rosenblum
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If the answer is no, the don't
include it.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I spend a lot of time on
action scenes asking myself every step of the way...is this what my
character sees? What does he feel here? What is he aware of as this
happens?
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Mary Rosenblum
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What do you feel as you fall,
what do you feel as you hit?
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Mary Rosenblum
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What do you feel as that knife
slashes your arm?
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Mary Rosenblum
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The more I can make the
readers share the moment, the more intense the scene will be.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nearly all novice writers put
the readers into theater seats and show the scene on the screen. What you
want to do is to toss the readers smack into the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When I finish a jungle scene
and I feel like I need to go take a shower, the author did a really fine
job.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When I"m breathless after
a fight scene or a wild chase or a near fall from a cliff, the author did a
good job.
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crystalwizard
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The tantalizing smell of baking
bread wafted past John's nose. He winced and pressed hard on his stomach, a
tear trickling from the corner of his eye.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's pretty external, wiz.
Put us into John's nose. How does HE register the smell of bread? I
wouldn't be thinking 'the smell of bread is wafting past my nose'.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nice words, but they're author
words not John's awareness here.
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Mary Rosenblum
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How does he feel his eyes
tearing?
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Mary Rosenblum
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I mostly feel mine burn, know
that I'm tearing up.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I have to be bawling before I
notice the feel of water trickling down my face.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's very hard to step into a
character's head.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Takes a lot of work, but when
you can do it, you can really bring your characters to life.
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rae
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How long would you say it takes
before zero narrative really sinks in. I mean, I try, but don't always
succeed.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You're doing it very well. You
get better at it the more you do it. When I read some of my early published
fiction I could go back and do it better than I did it then. Hopefully
I"ll always keep getting better. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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That should be everybody's
goal. Right?
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speckledorf
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John took a deep breath sucking
in the aroma of yeast and rye. His stomach rumbled, he grimaced and
clutched his stomach. Eyes burning, his vision blurred as a warm tear
trickled down his cheek.
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janecj333
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Are we giving examples? :)
Bread. Ick. Yeasty, leathery, bland. John wanted steak, steak and mushrooms
with roasted pan gravy, and he wasn't settling for any old dry crust no
matter which famous baker had stuck it in a pan.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Those are both good. :-)
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crystalwizard
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depends on your target audience.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Depends on what your intent
is, too. I've read some very strong narrative fiction where the author
tells the entire story and the readers are still engaged with the characters.
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Mary Rosenblum
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There is no one right way to
do everything. :-) That's what I love so much about writing. It simply has
to work. Only rule.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, I'm glad the lights came
back on here in time for the Forum. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'll post the transcripts in
the usual place: Writing Craft: Forum Transcript. See you all Sunday for
our casual chat and I'll see if I can get Deborah to join us.
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Mary Rosenblum
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She's been my guest here
before and enjoyed it, so she'll probably drop in.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You all have a good weekend,
meanwhile! If you've got any spare sun, send it westward, will you?
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