Show, Don’t Tell

June 2, 2009

 

 

Mary Rosenblum:  This is our Lunchbox Forum, and I'm going to be talking about 'show don't tell' today.  Show, don't tell is sort of the basic tenet of writing.  Every course or book on writing starts with it.  But putting it into practice is much harder than it might seem, and it's well worth the work to master it. It is one of the fundamental differences between publishable work and non publishable work.
that is not to say that narrative is bad. Not at all.
Mary, will you cover using it in nonfiction? I have found it much harder than in fiction
Mary Rosenblum:  I will, Ingrid. What type of nonfiction are you referring to? Personal narrative?
Mary could you also use some travel writing examples?
Yes, short stories like memoirs, personal narrative
Mary Rosenblum:  I will, David.  In personal narrative, travel writing (where the author is telling the readers about his/her experiences) and in first person fiction, someone is talking to the reader....is narrating.  But show don't tell is still critical. In adventure fiction it's very critical.
So let's begin with a personal narrative.  You're going to write about the family reunion you attended.  What I see a lot of is something like this. 'Everybody gathered in the old Riverbend Park that I remembered fondly from childhood. In no time, we had taken over, covering all available grassy space with everything from a badminton net to sunbathing towels.
So here, the narrator is describing the start of the picnic, right? That narrator mentions the park name, so we assume a river, and quickly summarizes a couple of activities, letting us know that the park was full of relatives.  Okay, our author sees that scene clearly and those few details evoke the visuals easily and quickly. BUT....Author is forgetting that we are not a telepathic species for the most part.  So while we can sort of fill in the picture here, we're not seeing what he sees. And it's not a lot of fun. We like to be sightseers, to see scenes that are new to us.
Let's 'show' that scene to the readers instead.
The first cars started pulling into the old oiled-gravel parking lot about 9, raising drifts of summer dust that powdered the sunburned weeds with gray. Aunts, uncles, and a hoard of cousins from diapers to twenty-somethings lugged big plastic coolers, bundled badminton nets and croquet boxes down to the beaten-down grass along the river bend. One young couple with a toddler took a wide-eyed look at the onrushing army and beat a hasty retreat for their car. Within a half hour, the picnic tables were covered with oilcloth and Tupperware containers of food, volleyballs and badminton birds were flying. Kids shrieked and splashed in the shallow water and Carl looked a bit shell shocked. Well, he comes from a small family, after all.
See the difference?
This takes many more words, but it's no longer a summary...'in no time we had taken over, covering all available grassy space with everything from a badminton net to sunbathing towels'.
Now, the reader doesn't have to depend on his/her own version of that scene, instead that reader gets to visit a new and unique scene, one that he/she has never seen before. Oh, cool, something new to explore.
The narrator's voice is stronger, more specific, but the "I' filter is absent, which makes this more powerful.
Mary Rosenblum:  Exactly, Dale, although you're not going to leave 'I' out entirely.
I took a firm hold on Carl's elbow and dragged him into the volleyball game. Poor guy, he's shy, but after my cousin Marty whacked a killer serve right at him, and he spiked it over the net, everybody cheered and he relaxed. Baptism by fire. You walk into a DeLino volleyball game you better be good.
When  you're doing either a first person narrative or a narrative where the author is telling the story  you are going to need to use I but you want to use it sparingly
Ah okay cause that boggs it down
Mary Rosenblum:  Exactly, DaSith.  Otherwise it gets monotonous.  Everybody started arriving at about ten. I got our cooler out and Carl and I lugged it over to the nearest picnic shelter. I looked around and noticed that my cousins were setting up the badminton net.
Mary, can you also show how this works in action fiction? Would that work the same way?
Mary Rosenblum:  In action fiction, you’re either doing first person or third. In personal narrative and first person fiction, it's a good idea to limit dialogue...in any narrative form it's a good idea to limit dialogue.  It can be very difficult to integrate dialogue smoothly into narrative form.  If you are going to involve a lot of dialogue, say in fiction, that's a good reason right there to use third person.  In narrative form ,you can always summarize the dialogue.  We wandered over to the campfire group and Carl gallantly threaded four marshmallows onto one of the peeled sticks the younger cousins had been gathering. Of course, toasting marshmallows meant he was stuck with Aunt Bertha who was supervising the marshmallow toasting. And of course, she had to give him the Family Hundred Questions. Every potential new mate gets 'em.
Now I could have put in the entire dialogue conversation but if it's not wildly humorous on its own, it's smoother to do it this way.
  The reason that you keep I/we out of it as much as possible is to allow the readers to 'see' the scene and share it. That  is how 'show don't tell' works in narrative form and in first person.  The absence of that regular I did this, I did that form means that the readers can begin to feel that they are watching the scene for themselves. When you constantly remind them 'I did this, I did that' you remind them also that we are not there, this person is telling us about what he did.  So you make that 'I' filter ephemeral, and you depend on the narrator's voice to remind us that someone is telling the story to us.
Is that necessarily bad?
 Mary Rosenblum:   Well, Pearl, think of it this way. Would you rather listen to your neighbor tell you about her Hawaiian vacation or would you rather walk on the beach yourself?  Of course in a personal narrative, you're making it clear that you are sharing your experiences, but you don't hit your readers over the head constantly with 'you were not there, you were not there'. Instead, you create the effect that you open a door to your memory and you all go back and share that experience together.
Say you are on a solo adventure and there are no other characters other than the author. Can we still keep the "I" out of things?
Can I , me , my be used more liberally. I stepped onto the platform, carrying my one bag and ...?
Mary Rosenblum:   Sure, Dave. The sun seemed to hesitate for a moment and then drop like stone below the trees. All of a sudden it was night. A million frogs started bellowing and something shrieked in the not-so-distant jungle. Great. As I scrambled to set up my hammock I tried to remember what dangerous things might be out there and which of them might have made that noise. You’re going to use 'I' but you're going to intersperse that with visuals so it's not a constant and monotonous 'I, I, I'.
Hmmm okay so make sure the reader feels the setting and don’t' try to make it seem like its being drawn out thinly
Mary Rosenblum:   JRP, yes, if the main focus of the story is your adventures and/or mishaps, and you are the main character we're focusing on, then you're going to use a lot more 'I'. I is not a bad thing unless it is overused and diminishes the impact of the piece.  What I see too much of is an I where ONLY the character's actions are described and everything else is left out. Booorrring.
I showed up at nine and carried my backpack into my motel room. I took a shower, then got dressed, and headed out to find some lunch before I met Karen. The town only had one diner, so I ate there and then parked in front of the little city park to wait for Karen.
This is what I mean.
That is pretty boring. It's just as bad as reading paragraph after paragraph of what the character FEELS, and nothing about what he's doing.
Mary Rosenblum:   Exactly, Jane. And it's THE biggest weakness I see in novice personal narrative.
This makes a lot of sense. But if it where easy or simple to show rather than tell wouldn't more writers be doing it? This must take a lot of practice no?
Mary Rosenblum:   Here's the problem...all of us 'see' the scene perfectly. We made it up, after all! But you have to learn to read your pages like a reader who cannot know what is in your head. That takes practice.  It is VERY hard to show scenes to the readers.   BUT...when you can, you'll stand out head and shoulders above the other novice writers that the editor is considering. And above some of the published writers, too.
But if you hammer away you get better at doing it, right Mary?

Mary Rosenblum:   Yep, DaSIth. I was LOUSY at this when I started writing. Orson Scott Card was one of my early teachers and he was about ready to bang my head on the wall...I just wasn't getting it.  I'm very very good at it now.
Either the author is telling the story, or, as in Sherlock Holmes, for example, a fictional narrator (Dr. Watson) is telling the story. Narrative in any form, whether it's you, the author, telling about a life experience or Dr. Watson telling about Holmes' cases, allows the author to give readers extra inside information. However you want to balance that with lots of 'show don't tell' visuals to create a strong sense of place.
So, let's look at third person action fiction. That’s where 'show don't tell' is critical.  The success of this type of fiction -- mystery, sf, fantasy, romance -- tends to depend on sucking the readers into the world of your story. So, in fiction, novice writers have a tendency to summarize.  She got up and ate breakfast.
Wow.
Sadie wandered into the kitchen in her underwear and stuck her head into the fridge. A jar of pickled herring and a bag of moldy bread? She slammed it. That's what you get for having an anorexic friend. She yanked open cupboard doors one after the other, finally found a dusty tin of Scottish oatmeal pushed way back behind a stack of CDs.
So in my second example, the underwear suggests that she probably just got up. And now, we ...and Sadie...are learning a lot about Carol's living habits, aren't we? I slipped in a bit of Sadie's thoughts, written as internal narrative. 'That's what you get for having an anorexic friend'.  I did that so that readers will learn a bit more about Carol, understand why her kitchen is so devoid of food, offer a fragment of backstory -- that she and Sadie are friends and Sadie is pretty tolerant of Carol's anorexia.
She ate lunch.

She grabbed an apple and swiped three of Mom's oatmeal cookies on the way out the door.
So how would you change to show that she was not so tolerant?
A jar of pickled herring and a bag of moldy bread? She dumped both items into the garbage and started banging open cupboard doors. Time to get out of here, out of Carol's life for good.
I added some thought, too, because I already have her slamming doors in exasperation.  I'm going to have to do more to show that she's really ticked.
Mary, have time for one more question?  Do you know of another expression for "show, don't tell"? The question of what this means probably often comes up because the distinction is so fine, and "show, don't tell" becomes some kind of cliche that doesn't have much of an effect on anyone but the experienced writers who understand its nuances.  Even if, however, there was a different expression akin to it, I noticed it still must be shown (as you've done here) in order to get what "show, don't tell" is meant to tell the writer. Ironic, isn't it? Perhaps a "showing" expression would be helpful.
Mary Rosenblum:   Good point, Jerry.  I think you're right and the confusion lies from just how you 'show'. To most novices 'she ate lunch' seems like 'showing'.  You're describing an action, right?  The problem is that it's not visual and ...here's the key...the readers are not figuring it out for themselves. When we see Sadie rummage through the kitchen and then boil up a pot of oatmeal, we'll figure out for ourselves that she is making breakfast...and we'll figure out a lot more as she hunts for that food and thinks grumpy thoughts about Carol.  Now I could have said 'Sadie rummaged around Carol's empty pantry and finally settled for a bowl of oatmeal'. You get the same 'information' but here, you only have it because the author gave it to you. You did not figure that out from seeing and hearing a scene and then deducing that information yourselves
So like in movies we really need to draw our reader into the scene. Make them feel it
Mary Rosenblum:   That's it. You want the readers to figure it out for THEMSELVES.  Just like...gasp...real life!