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Mary Rosenblum
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Hello all!
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Mary Rosenblum
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Welcome to our Tuesday
Lunchbox Forum.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I hope you're all getting some
spring weather!
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Mary Rosenblum
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I was just waiting for the
electricity gremlins to strike again, but apparently whatever was causing
our odd spate of power outages got fixed.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I wanted to talk about thought
and internal narrative because this is a common problem among novice
writers.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Most people want to write a
character's thoughts the same way they write dialogue.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you think about your own
thoughts, you'll realize that while we can think in dialogue, most of the
time we don't.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Our thoughts tend to be less
clearly verbal, a mix of emotion, visuals, memory, and words.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So when a character thinks in
long monologues of grammatically correct sentences it sounds 'wrong' to the
reader.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And it gives the scene a very
'fake' feel.
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Mary Rosenblum
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However, it can be very
difficult to recreate the orderly chaos of actual thought in a way that
most of your readers will follow without a lot of careful rereading and
parsing...which stops the scene cold.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So we really need a
compromise....something that the readers will read as 'thought' but that
won't activate that 'fake' buzzer in our brains.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's where internal
narrative comes in.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You essentially translate the
POV character's thoughts into clear English, but you don't pretend to be
'quoting' that POV character's actual thoughts.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But isn't that the author
intruding into the story? Isn't that a bad thing?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, it will be if you
intrude into the story and speak to the readers obviously!
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Mary Rosenblum
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But you can disguise that
narrative so that it seems like the POV's own thoughts. That way, you don't
violate the pOV and intrude your own voice into the scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But you're not stuck with a
lot of clunky thought that reads like dialogue, or incoherent thought that
the readers struggle with.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Here's an example of what I
mean.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Let's create a
character....Jorges. He's trying to follow his sister who has gone off with
a man Jorges thinks might be dangerous. They're hiking in the mountains and
Jorges, unlike his outdoorsy sister, is a city wimp.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So in this scene he's
confronted with a climb down a steep rock face. To make matters worse, a
boyhood friend died when he fell down a small rock face and broke his neck.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Let's start with the quoted
thought that I see all the time in novice writing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Jorges stared down at the
ground. It seems like it's a million miles away, he thought. How am I ever
going to get down there in one piece? I keep thinking about Sam and how he
looked when he landed at the bottom of the quarry, how his neck was all
twisted and he was like staring up at something in the sky, something that
surprised him.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Okay, this would be fine if
Jorges was talking to someone. But he's not. So as thought it's clunky.
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the gothic queen
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it bothers me when I see the 'He
thought, She thought ' tags
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Mary Rosenblum
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Well, it's like a said tag.
Sometimes you need it to let the readers know that someone is
thinking....but not in this case! It's overused, you're right.
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Mary Rosenblum
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So here is the same thing,
only using internal narrative.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Jorges stared down at teh
ground. It was a million miles away. He swallowed, his throat dry,
remembering Sam, at the bottom of the quarrym, his head twisted all funny,
staring up at the sky with this look like he was surprised. He scrubbed his
hands on his jeans, swallowed again.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Here, it's not written like
dialogue. I've tried to use Jorge's own voice in the narrative so it seems
like something he's thinking rather than me telling the readers. Let me
show you a bad example of internal narrative, where the author is doing the
telling and it's clearly not the character's own thoughts.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Jorges stared down at the
ground. As he stood at the top of the cliff, that ground seemed to be a
million miles away. He was remember his friend, Sam, who had fallen to his
death in the old quarry. He had landed right in front of Jorges and he
would never forget Sam's dead face looking at the sky.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Okay, it's the same stuff.
Ground a million miles away. Sam dead at the bottom of the quarry. But
here, the author is pulling us out of the scene to explain about that
backstory. We're no longer sharing
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Mary Rosenblum
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Jorges' thoughts. We're
hearing the author tell us about Jorges. I see this a LOT when a novice
writer wants to add backstory.
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frightwrite07
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Should internal nar. be in
quotation marks or italics or ?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Neither. You never use quotes
for thought (one of those rare 'nevers').
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Mary Rosenblum
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You don't have to use italic
for 'quoted thought' although many publishers will do that whether you want
it or not.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Internal narrative is not
punctuated in any special way. No quotes means that it's not dialogue, so
what else could it be?
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Mary Rosenblum
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An added benefit of internal
narrative is that you don't get stuck with italicized text, which makes the
words seem 'different' as if they are shouted or spoken in a strange voice
.
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Mary Rosenblum
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One thing to keep in mind.
Internal narrative slows down the action of a scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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And don't be seduced by it as
a means to dump backstory into a story. I see a LOT of stories that start
with a bang...a great hook...then the character freezes and proceeds to
think back over his/her life at great length. Stifling my yawns, I force
myself to read on....
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't DO that.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just as with dialogue, you
need to intersperse your internal narrative with lots of beats of action.
Notice in my example of internal narrative I included two beats of body
language?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Jorges swallows, his throat
dry. And he srcrubs his hands on his jeans.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That implies his
emotion...fear. His mouth is dry and his palms are sweating. And we see him
do this, so that his thoughts are broken up by visual action that reminds
us of what we are seeing.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Readers need constant
reminders of the visual scene or it simply fades away.
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the gothic queen
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How would you show internal fear
thorough inner thoughts?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't try, queen. There's
nothing worse than 'he felt terrified'! How did I show Jorges' fear?
Through his swallow, his hand-scrubbing, his memory of the dead Sam.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Who doubts that he's afraid to
climb down? I didn't need to have him think 'I'm scared to climb down'.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Body language is a powerful
partner to internal narrative.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Let the internal narrative
communicate information and the the body language communication emotion.
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geezer
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Off topic. When I wrote
"her eyes jerked toward the forest..." the critiquers thought it
was OK, but when I wrote "she thrilled" they said it was a POV
change. I don't see the difference.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Out of context like this,
geeze, I don't see that there's a POV shift. They are both your character's
reaction to some external stimulus. I wouldn't use that 'her eyes jerked'
thing. SHE's looking, not her eyes, but that's a personal dislike of mine.
You see that often enough, it's simply dangerous in speculative fiction
where weird things happen.
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Mary Rosenblum
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(Her eyes fell to the floor).
Goodness, grab 'em before someone steps on 'em!
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Mary Rosenblum
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(Her feet led her to the
spring) And she crawled along behind, trying to keep up.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When you're writing internal
narrative, try to imagine what is actually going through your character' s
head and put that on the page.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't add the interpretations
and explanations that will make it YOUR voice rather than your POV's voice.
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Mary Rosenblum
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No you won't be able to add as
much information, but you know what makes your fiction real? When your
readers are figuring out what is going on from what your
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Mary Rosenblum
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characters say and do, rather
than from what YOU tell them.
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Mary Rosenblum
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When was the last time a voice
whispered in your head to explain what was happening as you stood around at
the company picnic?
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rae
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So less is really more?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Almost always in fiction, less
is more. Up to a point.
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Mary Rosenblum
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As with everything you're
walking a fence bewteen too much and too little.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Your readers have to be able
to guess what is happening...at least most of them do.
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Mary Rosenblum
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But if you spoon feed
them...they're bored. And it doesn't seem real. We figure out what is going
on from dialogue and observed action all the time every day.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That is reality.
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Mary Rosenblum
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One thing to keep in mind...as
I said, internal narrative really slows down a scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you find yourself using a
lot of internal narrative in a story, maybe that story needs to be in first
person.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's my test for 'first or
third'.
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ginas
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so how do you get your backstory
in without slowing everything down?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't use so much backstory.
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Mary Rosenblum
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It's a novice misconception
that the readers must know everything right away, before the story starts.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Not at all.
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Mary Rosenblum
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All your readers need in that
opening scene is just enough knowlege so that they are not confused.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You can add bits of backstory
right up until your climax scene. You sure don't want to be explaining
stuff while the climax is unfolding, but up to that point it's fine.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Most novice writers add WAY
too much backstory.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Yes, YOU have to know it, but
like an iceberg, only the tip of that mass of information should show up in
your story. The rest is what 'ballasts' the story and gives it consistency.
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frightwrite07
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Can you effectively add Int.
nar. to a dialogue?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Sure, fright. Thought is one
third of dialogue (words plus body language plus thought).
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Mary Rosenblum
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"So, how are you
doing?" Kelly smiled sweetly. "I hear you had a little bit of
trouble with Mr. Spanos."
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Mary Rosenblum
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A little bit of trouble? Yeah,
right. Duane forced a smile. "Oh, it was nothing. You know how rumors
get around."
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Mary Rosenblum
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So here we have Duane's
reaction to Kelly's comment. His mental reaction comes first. Clearly this
was more than a little bit of trouble. Then we see body language as he
forces a smile. He's upset and trying to cover it. Then we get dialogue.
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geezer
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My critiquers basically said
they were getting whiplash because in the opening scene they had to
assimilate a strange scene and technology. They wanted it slowed down. But
then, they didn't like the backstory I used to slow things down! Aaah!
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Mary Rosenblum
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Your scene might be at fault,
geeze. I carefully choose an opening scene that will allow me to create my
universe through my POV character's actions/dialogue/thought.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I purposely set it up so that
my POV has to be doing things that reveal the universe and to balance the
internal narrative I'll probably have to include.
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Mary Rosenblum
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The hardest opening scenes for
a spec fiction story are all-action scenes where your POV really doesn't
have time to do anything but act and react.
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Mary Rosenblum
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There your visuals have to
suggest enough of the universe so that readers aren't distracted. They're
tough!
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Mary Rosenblum
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If your world is unusual,
alien, very complex, maybe you need to start with the character doing
something that will reveal the nature of your world.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If it's not life and death,
your POV will be able to think about things A LITTLE BIT
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Mary Rosenblum
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But avoid the temptation to
let that person reminisce on his/her life and just how he/she ended up here
anyway. That is SUCH a cliched device...it's very obvious to readers and
boring as all get oiut.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'd rather be curious than
bored and so would most readers.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just satisfy that curiosity
before readers forget about it.
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Mary Rosenblum
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A good exercise for internal
narrative is to analyze your own thoughts.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Try to represent them the way
you'd write them in a scene.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You're riding a bus. You look
at other passengers. How would you think of that passenger over there?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Not as a dialogue sentence,
but as a thought -- something closer to what actually goes through your
mind as you look?
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Mary Rosenblum
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Here's an author narrative
version: A bad example in other words:
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Mary Rosenblum
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He looked across the aisle. He
saw an old man in the opposite seat, leaning against the bus window and
snoring. The old man wore ragged clothes, a pair of cowboy boots with
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Mary Rosenblum
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newspaper sticking out of the
tops, a pink knit ski cap with a tassle that was nearly as dirty as the
boots and he snored through rotted teeth. He could smell the man clear
across the aisle.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Anyone want to use those
visuals and give us this guy's thought as good internal narrative?
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Mary Rosenblum
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You don't have to use ALL of
them! I told you the above was a bad example. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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Don't just revise it...do
something entirely different.
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Mary Rosenblum
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If youi can't get many words
in your ask a question bar, just type /ask then type your example in your
REGULAR send bar.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That way you can do a longer
question.
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geezer
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Man! A street person in cowboy
boots. His snores will shatter the window.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Thi sis a good example of
quoted thought. You're present tense 'his snores will shatter the window'
make this something you're quoting. Internal narratiave maintains the tense
of the prose...which was past.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Just change the tense and it's
fine: Man. Pete stared. A street person in cowbody boots. His snores were
going to shatter the windows.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Now our POV is very
politically correct indeed to think of this guy politely as a street person
rather than a bum or a wino. :-)
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info
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Looking across the the aisle, he
sneered. Couldn't that guy find anything different to wear? Worse that a
bum.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nice job, info. Here we get
the POV's feelings about the guy. Worse than a bum. You've done a nice job
capturing a 'speaking voice' that sounds like a person rather than
description.
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rae
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The smell caught my attention. I
looked toward the smell and saw a man leaning against the bus window. He
was dressed in dirty clothes and snored loudly.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Thios works because it's first
person. It's dialogue, but first person IS dialogue. It's the character
speaking to us.
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glider
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Man that old guy stinks. And
what's with the newspaper in his boots? Sure glad he's asleep. I don't want
to talk to him. Yuck, he's drooling into his beard.
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Mary Rosenblum
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This is quoted thought,
glider, as if the POV is talking to himself. Just change the tense to past
tense and it'll be internal narrative.l..
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Mary Rosenblum
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And make it less dialogue-y.
:-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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That old guy stunk. What’s
with the cowboy boots? Jerry looked away, glad he was asleep. Last thing he
wanted to do was talk to him. He was drooling in his beard. Jerry fixed
his eyes on the scenery sliding by outside.
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jrp
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"What brought him to this
place in life?" I wondered sadly
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Mary Rosenblum
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You don't use quotation marks
with thought. Only with spoken dialogue. This is first person, so the
boundary between narrative and thought pretty much vanishes.
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Mary Rosenblum
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First person speakers are
talking to the readers.
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ginas
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An old man across the isle
leaned against the window, snoring. I wrinkled my nose as the smell of diry
clothes and rotting teeth reached me.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nice. Many fewer visuals but
we all fill in the picture. Dirty clothes and rotting teeth are all we
need.
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jrp
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"What brought him to this
place in life?" I wondered sadly
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johnw
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He didn't like riding buses much
but this heap of humanity across the aisle was making this trip unbearable.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Good, but be sure we 'see'
that heap of humanity. That's a pretty general description. Even a couple
of specifics (dirty clothes, rotting teeth) will be enough.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Nice job folks.
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'll do a forum about First
Person and how to handle thought and dialogue in that form.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Handling thought and dialogue
in first person can be very tricky.
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Mary Rosenblum
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Thanks for coming!
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'll post the transcript in
the usual place : Writing Craft, Forum Transcript.
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jrp
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Why did I take this bus? I hope
he gets off soon.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That's good first person
narrative, jrp. :-)
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Mary Rosenblum
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If you haven't looked at the Newsletter
yet, check out the blurbs for my spider book cover. I got some good ones.
:-) I'll post the rest in next week's newsletter.
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Mary Rosenblum
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That was a fun prompt.
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Mary Rosenblum
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You all have a good week!
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Mary Rosenblum
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I'll see you Sunday at our
casual chat!
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