Dark and Stormy Night – Not!

Non Narrative Description

By Mary Rosenblum

 

 

            It was a dark and stormy night…  Everyone knows that this is the opening line to avoid no matter what.  It has become the archetype of bad openings.  But why?  What is wrong with it?   For one thing, it is a piece of very bland narrative description.  The author is telling us that the night is dark and stormy and leaving it entirely up to the reader to envision that night.  We have to pause, construct that image of ‘dark and stormy night’ and then allow our mind’s eye to see it.   But how else can we do it?  How can we do it without narrative? 

 

            Rebecca ducked her head against the slashing rain and groped her way through the howling darkness.

 

            Translation:  It was a dark and stormy night.

 

            Look at the difference here.  While our dark and stormy night sentence gives us two guiding bits of information ‘dark’ and ‘stormy’ and leaves us to construct our version of that night, in our second example we have Rebecca, shoulders hunched, skin stinging from that slashing rain, groping her way blindly through the nighttime storm.  Those vivid and specific descriptives evoke instant pictures in our brain;  ducked her head, slashing, groped, howling darkness…

 

            The key here is that the description is not separate from the character.  The night is described the way Rebecca might experience it.  She ducks her head, she feels the rain slashing her face, she reaches for familiar landmarks, groping through the howl of wind and right, blind in the darkness.  As we read those words and create that image we are seeing the scene through Rebecca’s eyes.  There is no sense at all that we are outside the scene and looking in.  That is the strength of non narrative description.  It puts the reader firmly into the scene. 

 

            Let’s look at character description.  This can be the greatest challenge in terms of non narrative description.  It is simply so tempting to describe your character in order to be sure your readers see the same person you do:   Anne glanced provocatively at Tim as she walked in the door.  A redhead with emerald-green eyes and delicate features, she moved with a natural grace as she crossed the room to sit down on the far end of the sofa. 

 

            We see Anne, we see her red hair, her green eyes, delicate features, and natural grace.  True.  But where do we have to be standing in order to see all of this?  Are we inside Anne’s head and looking through her eyes, in other words in her Point of View?  No.  We are standing back from the scene, outsiders looking in to see her.  Uh oh.  Our readers are no longer in the middle of your scene.  They’re now outside looking in. 

 

            Let’s do this scene again, but keep the reader inside Anne’s POV…  Anne spotted Tim right away as she walked in the door.  Oh, yes, nice looker, Katy was right.  He noticed her look and she tossed her head so that her hair would spill back over her shoulders and catch the light.  Guys liked red hair and when you have green eyes, too, you’re half way home.  He was looking now.  She smiled, made it a shy smile, and sat down on the very far end of the sofa.  See how long it took him to cross that distance! 

 

            Take a look at the difference here.  We learn a LOT more about what is going on in this scene, now that we’re inside Anne’s Point of View.  She thinks of her looks because she’s intentionally using them to flirt with Tim.   Of course we don’t get her ‘natural grace’ and ‘delicate features’, but she is sure that Tim is interested, so we can be pretty sure she’s not bad looking.  We know a lot of how Anne is feeling right now.  Clearly she is playing a flirting game here, intentionally trying to get Tim interested.  We don’t know why, but we do know what is going on.  If you look at the description, it is all her thoughts, coming from inside her head.  We are not standing outside her at all here.  As she walks through the door, she looks at Tim, we are in her head here.  She sees him  notice, tosses her head, thinking about how her hair must look and that the green eyes really attract guys.  She pretends to by shy and goes over to sit down.  Not once have we readers been moved to the outside of the scene.  We could be sitting inside her head and peeking through her eyes. 

 

            Essentially, non narrative description means describing the action without filtering it through your words.  Who says, :   Anne glanced provocatively at Tim as she walked in the door.  A redhead with emerald-green eyes and delicate features, she moved with a natural grace as she crossed the room to sit down on the far end of the sofa.    That’s not Anne thinking about herself, that’s the author describing Anne to us…that is narrative. 

 

            While our second example is, of course, the author telling us how Anne is acting and thinking…we have disguised it.  That COULD be what Anne is thinking right now.  So it has the effect of making us feel that we are eavesdropping on Anne’s internal thoughts and keeps us from noticing that the author is telling a story.  If you’re not sure if your description is narrative or not, ask yourself, who is saying this?  If the only answer is the author then this is a narrative description.  If the character could be thinking this, then you’re fine.   And this is a writing tool that is worth learning.  Keeping the author’s voice out of a piece can make the difference between a compelling story that sells and one that is no better or worse than most of the slush pile.  

 

            But what about First Person POV you ask?  How do you do this in First Person?  Well, by definition, there is no non narrative description in First Person.  In First Person POV, the main character is telling the story.  I walked into the room and spotted Tim right away.  Oh yes, nice looker, Katy was right.  He noticed my look and I tossed my head, so that my hair spilled back over my shoulders and caught the light.  Guys like red hair and when you have green eyes, too, you’re halfway home.  He was looking now.  I smiled, made it a shy smile, you know, that Dorothy-innocent type, and sat down on the very end of the sofa.  Knees together and all that.  Playing the part.  How long before he started moving my way?  I give him three minutes.   It’s not that different than our non narrative third person description, only our main character is telling us what is going on in her voice and adding a bit of her thoughts to the narrative.    Again, in First Person, your main character will only notice details that this type of person would actually notice in real life….or you violate your point of view. 

 

            This type of non narrative description is worth working on.  An excellent exercise is to write a descriptive scene with no dialogue and do it without once using any of the ‘to be’ verbs:  was, is, are, were.  This will force you to avoid narrative description and will go a long way to improving your description over all.  Give it a try!