This is my internal story.  It’s nearly all a flashback, framed by two brief bits of present-time action.   The tone is haunted and bittersweet.  Don’t we all wish we could undo that long-ago mistake? 

 

All or Nothing

By

Shawn Neely

 

Steven cringed and shuddered, then beat his head softly on the steering wheel trying to shake off the memory.  God, if he could only forget.  Stupid decisions.  Monumentally stupid, idiotic decisions.  Of course, he didn't realize it at the time.  Hindsight is 20/20, so they say.

He nearly missed his exit and cut off a car to make it.  Adrenaline pumped through his veins.  Please don't sweat, please don't sweat.  What the hell?  All or nothing meant take him or leave him, to include a little sweat.  It didn't matter anymore.  He spent a lifetime worrying about little things like that when all that mattered had slipped from his grasp eleven years ago. 

If only he could turn back the clock, go back in time.

He chose to take that job in New York.  Money made the world go around, right? He told himself he'd come back for her once he made it big.  She had stood there in a simple, flower patterned, summer dress; beauty incarnate, her hair tied back in a pony tail just for him, just the way he liked it.  How had he found the strength to get on that plane with those eyes, those deep, brown pools of devotion streaming tears?  He had kissed her forehead and never looked back.  That's how. 

What an idiot. 

He went to New York and made it big alright.  He rose to the top on the backs of those less savvy, less decisive.  A "natural" his boss told him.  Money flowed.  Anything he wanted he got, and he got everything.  Almost everything.  He lost her.  It took the message on the answering machine last night for him to realize that he had lost everything.  For eleven years he had dreamed of her periodically.  Just silly memories of a past long gone.  That's what he told himself.  He lied.

He stopped the rental car in front of a duplex.  This was the address he looked up from the number on his caller I.D..  This was it.  All or nothing.  He stepped from the car as she opened the screen door.  His heart beat in his chest.  Would she hate him?  Reject him?  Forgive him?

"Steven?"  Her hand covered her mouth and she began to quiver.

He smiled and nearly ran up the walk.  She did run.  He caught her in an old, familiar embrace and swung her around.  Her laughter, her perfume, her smile; all of it perfect.

"What are you doing here?"  She laughed as he set her down.

"I got your message that you wanted to talk.  Something about a cheating boyfriend?"

"Omigosh, I meant on the phone!"  She slapped his chest playfully.  "Oh, I'm so embarrassed.  Why did you come all the way out here?"

Steven pulled out his cell phone and dialed.  "Mr. Harcourt?  It's Steven.  I have to resign. I just found my life and I'm moving to California for a new beginning."

She covered her mouth again, then hugged him tight and he nearly wept. 

He got it all.